ambienchronicles

i made my first a-hole art:

last night i got home at 4am, and then took an ambien just for insurance. but i really didn’t need it, and apparently i had a super weird a-hole blackout. i remember listening to music and eating something i heated up in the microwave, then passing out, and then i remember waking up again with my laptop open. i checked email and browser history, and photos and everything, just to make sure i didn’t do anything. no evidence, so i went back to bed and figured that i must NOT have gone in the a-hole. i did notice that a small part of my palm was bleeding a little, but i thought ok, that could have happened at the party i went to last night and i didn’t notice until now. so i just went back to bed.

so, i get up this morning, go into the kitchen and there are a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink, which were not there before i went to bed. since i was pretty sure my roommate wasn’t home last night, i was super confused. did she change her mind and come home, just later than me, and make food, and is home now? or left again? i see a plate on the table with a huge pile of pasta covered with saran wrap on it.

then i notice parts of a broken wine glass in the sink and a plastic colander that has a hole melted in it. there’s ‘butter sauce’ or something also chilling’ in a puddle next to the sink and dripped all over half of the stovetop. after further investigation, i can confirm that i made a lot of pasta with butter, fake bacon bits, red pepper flakes, some arugula and parmesan. my hand also has a couple of small cuts, surely from the broken glass. but i don’t think i drank anything, because i don’t even have any wine and it doesn’t look like any liquor is gone? but, yea, i was pretty drunk when i got home anyway. i know i ate at least a little of the concoction, since there were traces of it in the dish i used for the initial pre-a-hole snack that i left on my desk.

i also found a bunch of image files i must have scanned after writing ‘ambienchronicles.com’ in a few different handwriting styles, on a piece of paper, along with that drawing. looks like i was working on a new logo for my blog? perhaps i just liked the way the letters looked, written with a sharpie.

greetings from the a-hole

fuck it. it’s time. i’ve been talking about this for like a year. it’s almost become a joke, a dark joke, reminding me of how i start shit and never finish. but not this time. this time. i’m in the a-hole again. and fuck all y’all mother fuckers who don’t know what i’m talking about. my boys todd and ice and dre know what i’m talking about. i’m dedicating my first original ambien chronicle to my homey too short (a.k.a. todd).

the previous text was written while i was in what i like to call “the a-hole,” that special time that covers your brain like a blanket when you’ve stayed awake too long after taking ambien (i suppose i was listening to 80s/90s rap at the time). the possibilities are really endless, but the main point is that you’re blacked out completely and have no idea what you’re doing. i’ve discovered that when this happens to me, apparently, i like to take photos of my activities.

anyway i could explain the first ambien blackout experience involving online shopping (attempts), but i forgot to write that one down. so i’ll simply show you the best photo from the first documented experience (there are many more photos, and they look much worse). before this particular black-out episode, i had only experienced ambien-induced sleepwalking activity a couple of times. but nothing too interesting had happened on those occasions (ie. a couple of online shopping stints, some perusals of porn here and there, evidence of some mild midnight snacks having been consumed the night before and weird outfits being put on). of course, it’s alarming enough to discover that you did something while unconscious and don’t remember. and sure, i’ve blacked out before or forgotten about some ridiculous things i’ve said and done while being drunk. but something was more mysterious about this. and the worst part was that i was alone the whole time, so there was no option to ask a friend, “did i do anything weird last night?”.

check back here soon for more reports from the a-hole.

ambienchronicles

(ām'bē-ən) ˈkränikəlz®

back in the a-hole again

greetings from the a-hole

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